Dungeons and Dragons 01x03: The Hall of Bones

Daisy's back with another exciting episode of Dungeons and Dragons! For those of you who don't know, Daisy is our semi-regular guest blogger. A long time fantasy fan, her looks at the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon are always hilarious and insightful. To find more of her stuff, click the tags at the bottom of the post, or the spiffy D&D banner in the sidebar. Take it away, Daisy!

Today's episode is called “The Hall of Bones.” Woo, spooky! It’s written by Paul Dini, who, among many other things, worked on Batman: The Animated Series.

We open to the kids hurrying through some kind of creepy swamp. Magical ecosystems, man. Screw ‘em. Apparently they’re being chased by something, and we get our first glimpse of it when Diana narrowly evades being caught by some sort of hairy flying monster. Point Diana. Uni’s not so quick, though, despite being on all fours, and manages to get swept up by the… griffins? Flying monkeys? Oh, yup, they’re flying monkeys. Uni loses a point.

Bobby freaks out, of course, and rescues Uni by… knocking a tree into the flying monkey that’s holding her, and nearly killing them both. He manages to catch her before she can smash into the ground and presumably break all of her legs or get crushed by the falling tree.

I’m not giving him a point for that, even though it technically worked out. After that flower crap in the last episode, I’m drawing the line on dumb luck here.

Sheila freaks out and herds Bobby and Uni away from the remaining winged primate threat. Hank fires off some shots at the monkeys, and… what’s this? Hank’s magical arrows disappear before they can do anything. Bobby tries to knock over another tree, because that’s how Bobby rolls, but his club just smacks uselessly against the trunk. Looks like everybody’s having performance issues. Eric encourages everyone to dive behind him and holds up his shield, which seems particularly brave given the circumstances, and it actually works! At first. A flying monkey dives at them and is repelled. Point Eric.

Eric: “They’ll never break through this!”

Dammit, Eric. Now you’ve jinxed it. Of course, that’s the moment when Eric’s shield gives out. Bobby speculates that the batteries are dead. It’s actually a pretty good metaphor.

Presto: “If we don’t get out of here, our batteries won’t be the only thing that’s dead!”

Wow, Presto. That is uncommonly dark and realistic of you. Have you been spending more time with Eric?

Hank orders everyone to run, and they take off back into the forest/swamp place. The flying monkeys pursue them, and then emerge from the trees. One of them is carrying Bobby’s helmet, but then throws it away in disgust. So… I guess the kids got away? We see that Bobby’s helmet has landed next to Diana’s tiara, and then pan over to a bunch of reeds in the muck. Except those aren’t ordinary reeds! The kids have pulled the old ‘hide in the water and breathe through these conveniently tube-shaped plants’ trick. Wish I know who came up with that idea, so I could give them a point for it. Oh well.

Eric: “I hope my suit doesn’t rust.”

Presto: “I hope those ugly things don’t come after us again.”

Both valid concerns. And as we can see, Eric is adjusting to life with a single outfit made predominantly out of metal.

Diana wants to know where the flying monkeys came from. The wicked witch, probably. Maybe she’ll make a guest appearance like Merlin sort of did. Or maybe Venger will dress up like her! That’d be fun!

Sheila wants to know what gives with their weapons, and Hank decides that everything’s gotta be Venger’s fault. Somehow. Hey, maybe it’s Tiamat instead. Or maybe Dungeon Master’s just screwing around with them again. Or maybe they just wandered through flying monkey territory when their weapons just so happened to run out of charge.

Let’s not jump to conclusions, Hank. Not everything is evidence of someone out to get you.

Eric thinks that they should beat a hasty retreat out of the forest/swamp, and they do just that. And then we pan out and see… VENGER! The Force of Evil!

Huh. My apologies to Hank, I guess.

Venger is in the company of Shadow Demon, who we never really get much of an explanation for. He’s a minion, he’s a shadow, he’s got wings.

Shadow Demon: “The Simian Bats have failed, Highness! Even they could not take the enchanted weapons from the young intruders!”

Venger: “Fools! Enough. I will deal with them myself.”

That’s gotta be especially embarrassing for Venger’s crack team of winged monkeys. I mean, the way Shadow Demon talks, they apparently have some kind of reputation for competence, but technically they didn’t even lose to the enchanted weapons. They were outsmarted by the old reed-in-the-pond manoeuver. Lame.

Venger sends Shadow Demon off, who disappears into a, well, a shadow. Then he flies off on his winged horse. In the opposite direction of the kids, who just went by. With their totally normal and vaguely useless weapons. Luckily, Venger doesn’t seem to know that their weapons have run out of juice, or else I assume he would just swoop down on them and, y’know, take them. He wouldn’t even have to use magic. He’s like nine billion feet tall and none of the kids have so much as a single sharp-edged thing between them.

We cut back to the gang. Hank has climbed up a tree and is kicking a fruit down to Eric, who catches it and muses that he doesn’t know what kind of fruit it is, but at least it looks good. When he lowers his hand, Uni promptly takes a bite out of the fruit he’s holding. Eric is unimpressed. Diana and Sheila are sitting together, while Diana glares at her pole like it’s personally offended her.

Diana: “But why did our weapons lose power?”

Sheila: “I’m worried.”

Of course you’re worried, Sheila. Everyone is worried. You’re a bunch of kids trapped in a magical land where everything wants to kill you, and now your one and only means of protecting yourself has stopped working. If you weren’t worried, you’d be nuts. Dungeon Master apparently agrees, because he shows up and says as much, and it’s a testament to how freaked out everyone actually is that even Eric seems happy to see him. Bobby gives DM his club to inspect. DM looks at it, and it glows for a minute, and then flickers back out.

Dungeon Master: “I was afraid of this. The mystic energy that powers your weapons is failing.”

…

…Screw you, old man.

You mean to tell me that these things are limited use, or somehow require recharge, and you never once warned the kids using them? Do you have any comprehension of how dangerous that is? Diana vaults over bottomless chasms, if her pole doesn’t extend and she can’t get far enough, she dies. Eric uses his shield to fend off deadly energy attacks, landslides, and ravenous monster jaws. If it doesn’t produce a barrier, he and whoever is behind him dies. Sheila taunts monsters and then turns invisible and runs away. She doesn’t turn invisible? She dies. Really, only Hank, Presto and Bobby don’t routinely put their lives on the line every time they use their weapons.

The kids look freaked out, which is one hundred percent understandable. Bobby compares the weapons’ power to dead batteries again, and Sheila apparently thinks that similes are beyond him, because she explains that their weapons don’t have batteries. I’m pretty sure that’s why he said ‘like’ dead batteries, Sheila.

Dungeon Master: “Your weapons must be recharged.”

Bobby: “See? I told you! Dead batteries.”

Uni apparently agrees with Bobby, even though she doesn’t know what batteries are. But screw it, Uni knows who her meal ticket in this group is. Bobby’s the only one dumb enough to routinely fling himself into certain death every time she so much as stumbles. Again, it’d be cute, if only I didn’t want to smother her to stop the all the damn bleating.

Hank brings things back to business and asks where they need to go to recharge their weapons.

Dungeon Master: “High in the mountains, in a place called the Hall of Bones.”

Sheila: “The Hall of Bones?”

Bobby: “That sounds neat!”

Presto: “That sounds horrible.”

Yup. Presto has definitely been spending more time with Eric. Sheila’s maybe catching on to things, too, given the bitter resignation in her voice.

Dungeon Master: “A gigantic tomb, filled with this realm’s greatest warriors.”

Eric: “Oh, great. A cemetery.”

Uni seems stoked about the idea of going to this place, for some reason. But then she abruptly changes her mind and starts shaking her head. Not sure quite what they were going for, there. DM tells them they should look for the Skull of Power, which will recharge their weapons.

By the Power of Greyskull!

Or, By the Power of Power Skull, I suppose.

Diana wants to know how they’re supposed to find this thing. DM says that someone will guide them, but that they’ll require payment. Maybe you should give the kids money then, you crazy old bastard.

Dungeon Master: “And remember, in darkness, look to the light!”

Eric: “Now what’s that supposed to mean?”

Well, Eric, it’s probably your vague ‘clue’ that will help you out after DM’s first piece of advice inevitably almost gets you killed. You know, like with the ‘beauty and the beholder’ thing last episode. Hank wants to know if DM can just show them the way himself, which is unusually pragmatic for Hank, but DM has walked around a conveniently placed boulder, which means he’s already gone, of course. Eric is, once again, 900% done with the disappearing act. He’s also painfully off-model.

Hank urges everyone to get going, and this time there are no complaints. Diana spells it out – they don’t feel safe at all wandering around without their magical weapons. I can’t blame them.

Somehow, the kids end up in a town. I guess it stands to reason that the route to the Hall of Bones wouldn’t be completely empty, although given how many wastelands they’ve wandered through, it wouldn’t exactly be a surprise at this point, either. There appears to be some kind of carnival going on, with people throwing coins at a juggler and a puppet show. The kids walk past.

Hank: “Maybe we can hire a guide here.”

Eric: “Hire him? We don’t have any money!”

Actually, Eric does have money, but just this minute he’s apparently calm enough to realize that U.S. currency is basically toilet paper in another world. The other kids look at one another like they’re just realizing how broke they are for the first time. Funny how the rich one is the first to actually appreciate the potential ramifications of being penniless. Usually it’s the other way around.

Presto: “He’s right.”

Eric: “Fortunately, I have the solution. With my talent I can perform for the money!”

Hank: “Eric, I don’t think you should-”

Eric: “After all, if this crowd goes gaga over two little dummies, think how they’ll react-”

Bobby: “To one big dummy!”

So, apparently Bobby is now officially on the ‘hate on Eric’ wagon. Uni thinks his wit is astounding. Eric ignores him and Hank, though, and carries through with his plan to entertain the masses in exchange for coin. Later on we’ll learn that Eric’s biggest fears are basically public humiliation and social ostracization, which is depressing whenever you contemplate his lot in life, and also impressive in terms of how many times he just puts himself out there. So Eric gets the attention of the crowd, and attempts stand-up comedy.

Eric: “How many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb? None! They can’t reach it! They’re not troll enough!”

The crowd groans and Bobby averts his gaze in mortification. Uni makes a puke face.

Eric is the best. You can all go and shut up.

So Eric starts a joke about a Barbarian, and an actual Barbarian (not Bobby) takes offense, which has him swiftly backpedaling, because stand-up comedian money isn’t worth getting his spine forcibly extracted. The crowd boos and starts pelting him with tomatoes, because apparently they don’t find this entertaining. Plebians.

As Eric’s ‘friends’ watch on, Diana asks Presto if he thinks he could pull some money out of his hat. The hat which isn’t working, Diana? And which barely works even when it’s not out of skull-juice or whatever? Presto is understandably doubtful, but Hank orders him to try. Maybe somebody could go, I don’t know, help Eric? Maybe that could be a thing? No? Okay. Presto pulls a chicken out of his hat, so apparently it’s still got enough skull-juice to produce some serious conjurations. The group that’s booing Eric starts to notice that something much more entertaining is going on elsewhere. Presto tries again and almost pulls out a fire-breathing dragon.

Holy crap this kid is good at summoning dragons. I mean, never at a useful time, but I’m pretty sure that if Presto got his act together, he’d be terrifying.

Regardless, the crowd is entertained, and starts throwing money at Presto’s feet. Point Presto.

Nobody gives Eric any credit for having this idea in the first place, but fortunately, there are no snide comments or insults, either, so I don’t have to take points away from anyone.

Now sufficiently funded by the lucrative village entertainment gig, the group gathers around outside of a seedy-looking establishment. It looks like it’s evening, so I guess they milked Presto’s ‘bumbling magician’ gig until his hat finally gave out. Eric asserts that this is the perfect kind of place to find a guide. I suspect Eric gets a large percentage of his information from old westerns and Star Wars. Hank reminds Eric that with their weapons malfunctioning, they are as helpless as baby lambs should violence break out. Eric is all ‘c’mon and trust the ole Cavalier’, and so far his ideas have been working out pretty okay, even if not always in the intended direction.

Obviously, this is going to be an exception.

The establishment is full of a wide variety of patrons. For some reason, this is apparently appalling to everyone except Eric. I guess Eric’s the only one who’s been paying attention to the local demographics?

Hank: “Eric, don’t you think we should at least get a guide that talks Human?”

Wow, Hank. Wow. So first of all, given that a large percentage of the town does appear to be human-ish and capable of communicating just fine, I’d hazard a guess and say that most of this bar’s patrons do ‘speak Human’. But now I’m just wondering about the implausibility of a bunch of kids from our world speaking and understanding the same languages and beings from another dimension. Is it magic? Did DM cast some kind of spell on them for it? Is it just one language, or are they actually speaking/understanding a plethora of them? The fairy gibberish-speak we encounter later would kind of imply not, but the fact that Uni comes freakishly close to speaking intelligibly, Scoobie-Doo style, on a number of occasions, implies yes.

Then again, most fairies seem to be in cahoots with DM, so maybe he just doesn’t want the kids to understand what they’re saying.

Well, Hank’s appalling racism aside, Eric is convinced that money can talk for them. Sweetie, that’s… not how that works.

Am I going to have to take a point away from Eric?

Nuts.

Eric approaches a table full of orcs and asks if any of them are interested in a business proposition. The orcs looked confused at first, but then apparently take offense.

Bobby: “So long, Eric, it was nice knowing ya.”

For crap’s sake, kids. Either make your own plans or pitch in. It’s hard to blame Eric when his ideas go belly-up because at least he’s trying.

Eric continues to try and negotiate with the increasingly hostile bar patrons, and makes the mistake of showing them the money. Dammit. I am going to have to take a point away from Eric, otherwise I can’t even pretend to be remotely fair, and then what’s the point of the point system?

Diana: “Looks like the ‘old Cavalier’ is in trouble!”

Yes, thank you, Diana. Maybe you could have noticed that when the orcs started menacing him and before I had to take a point away from him.

As the bar patrons close in on Eric, Hank distracts them with an even bigger sack of coins. He flings it into the crowd, which immediately starts everyone fighting over it, allowing the kids to make their escape back out into… broad daylight?

Okay, probably an animation error, but I’m going to chalk it up to further evidence that time functions very weirdly here.

Our intrepid heroes flee into a back alley, before one of the patrons spots them and the horde renews its pursuit. Eric wonders why they’re being chased when Hank just gave them a big sack of money. Sheila tells him it was actually a sack of bottle caps and dammit, point Hank. Although I have to wonder where they found the bottle caps. Maybe Presto’s hat did it again? Or maybe just Presto himself did it, given that he seems to only think he needs the hat to do magic. Maybe that’s why his ‘hat’ was working before, too.

The kids keep running until they reach a back alley, and then a mysterious woman beckons them into a nearby doorway. Sheila is hesitant, because this chick looks shady as balls, but Diana notices that she’s carrying a torch and remembers DM’s blather about ‘looking to the light’, and that’s all it takes to convince Hank. Sheila gets a point for being sensibly suspicious. Shady-as-Balls chick tells them that they’re in a passage that leads into tunnels beneath the town, and they’ll be safe there. Does this town not have some kind of law enforcement that should intervene in the event that sleazy bar patrons are trying to mug a gaggle of children?

No?

Well, okay. Sheila wants to know who Shady-as-Balls chick is, at which point the woman in question announces that they have a mutual friend, and then turns around all monster-faced. Then the ground opens up beneath the kids and drops them all into a giant spider web.

Sheila: “It’s a spider’s web! I can’t get free!”

VENGER! The Force of Evil: “And if you could pull free, beneath you is a bottomless pit!”

Yup, the kids look up to see Venger leering down with them next to Shady-as-balls chick, and look down to see… a glowing orb? Yeah, some kind of glowing orb pulsing at the bottom of the ‘bottomless’ pit. Then Venger summons his flying monkeys – holy crap, he is the wicked witch, that is hysterical – to go and snag the kids’ weapons. Which he could have honestly just, like, walked up and taken at this point, but he doesn’t know that, so we aren’t going to blame him for being needlessly convoluted. This time.

Venger’s all ‘mwahaha, your powers are mine!’ as the monkeys pile junk into his arms like he’s some kind of weird washer woman collecting laundry, and then announces that Shady-as-Balls chick is actually Lolth, the Demon Queen of Spiders!

Huh. She doesn’t look like a twisted Drow goddess to me. Oh well.

Venger gives ‘Lolth’ the go ahead to chow down on the kids, and then exits stage right.

‘Lolth’, after transforming into a gigantic spider, heads for Uni first, presumably to taste some of that succulent unicorn flesh. Bobby, of course, freaks out. Hanks tells Uni to use her horn to cut the web while ‘Lolth’ is still crawling towards them, and shockingly, this actually works. Point Hank and… point Uni? Yeah, okay, Point Uni. ‘Lolth’ falls a ways before latching a new thread onto Uni’s hoof, though, so it’s only bought them some time. It’s enough for Hank to get free, and then… uh… it looks like ‘Lolth’ gets to Uni, but then her web suddenly has a seizure, both of them go flying up, Hank catches Uni but ‘Lolth’… somehow falls to her death now.

Weird.

Hank tells Uni to cut everyone loose so they can get out, and we cut scenes so the animators and writers don’t have to figure out how they’re actually supposed to manage the logistics of that.

We jump ahead to the kids wandering through a cave system.

Eric: “Oh, this is great. Now we’re lost in an endless cavern under a world we’re already lost in!”

Presto: “C’mon, Eric. It could be worse.”

Eric: “Oh yeah? How?”

The cavern starts rumbling and rocks start falling down.

Diana: “Well, that’s one way.”

Diana manages to speak without actually moving her lips. I guess I’ll add ventriloquism to her list of talents. The falling rocks collapse to reveal a glowing red opening.

Hank: “Look, there’s a way out!”

Eric: “You want us to go out there?!”

Considering that ‘out there’ looks like the surface of Krypton slightly before explosion time, Eric makes a good point. But the cavern is still collapsing around them, so in the end, they have no choice. They rush out onto a ledge, and are nearly engulfed by a jet of flames. Oh dear. It’s Tiamat! Hank tells everyone to stay down and hope the giant multi-headed dragon didn’t notice them wandering out of the enormous opening in the mountain/cliff. Presto asserts that it’s actually Venger, and Eric puts two and two together and figures out it’s both of them. Fighting. Again.

Venger and Tiamat do battle, and nearly bury the kids under some more falling rocks. Presto laments that this has closed off the opening into the labyrinthine cavern they were previously lost in, effectively trapping them outside. Meanwhile, Tiamat tells Venger he’s a sissy, and Venger says no, he’s totally not, because he’s got these kickass magical weapons that he stole from a bunch of kids! Ha-HA!

Hank: “Oh no, he’s using our weapons to fight Tiamat!”

Eric: “Great, we could use a few less dragons!”

Sheila: “But our weapons don’t work!”

Presto: “Then we’ll have a few less Vengers!”

Eric: “And a few less weapons, too!”

I’m with Presto and Eric. When your enemies fight one another, you win. Of course, Eric also seems to be the only one who’s realized that this might cost them their gear for good. Venger holds up their stuff like some kind of energy-enhancing laundry ball, and zaps Tiamat. At first it seems to be working, but then the laundry ball fizzles out, of course. Venger’s all outraged as he declares the weapons ‘useless’ and throws them down like a spoiled child. Conveniently, they land right in front of the kids.

Venger, man, you just spent the entirety of this show so far trying to get those things, and you’re going to fling them aside now like trash? Weak.

It’s good news for the kids, though, as they reclaim their useless junk while Venger and Tiamat fight their way off into the distance. Hank’s all ‘quick, we gotta recharge these puppies’ and Eric’s all ‘we still have no idea how to get to the haunted cemetery, dumbass’ and Hank’s all ‘we gotta find a guide’ which is useless because everyone knows, Hank, but that doesn’t magically materialize one. We pan over to see that Shadow Demon has been spying on this conversation. He’s like ‘Hall of Bones, eh?’ so presumably Venger is about to find out that he threw away a bunch of perfectly good magical weapons for no reason.

We switch to a scene of Uni sneezing on a flower. So I guess the gang got off of the gloomy mountain of battling dragons and living incarnations of evil. Wonder how long that took them? Eric is griping because they haven’t seen any signs of civilization or hint of where they might find a guide. Then, suddenly-

Whoa.

What the hell?

What the hell is that floating gnome head?!

Jesus. Okay. So this creepy ass floating gnome head suddenly appears in the road in front of them, and nobody freaks out at all, which must say something about how desensitized this place is making these kids to crazy looking whatevers. Oh no wait, sorry, apparently it’s a floating halfling head. Who is kind of offended that the kids don’t know what he is. He’s all ‘guess you’ve never seen a halfling before’ and Bobby’s all ‘we can’t really see you now’ and the roadside abomination is all ‘whaaat… oh, silly me, looks like I left my partial invisibility on’ and he waves a suddenly-appearing hand over himself to reveal that he has hairy legs and isn’t wearing any pants.

Put the invisibility back on.

Put the invisibility back on!

He introduces himself as ‘Hector the Halfling’ and does not, in fact, put the invisibility back on, and screw you, Hector, you’re no Bilbo Baggins. Halflings wear pants last time I checked.

So Hector asks if he can be of service, and Eric very sensibly says that he doesn’t think so. Eric knows better than to take unsolicited offers of help from strange men with no pants on. But he mentions the cemetery anyway, and Hector’s all ‘oh, well, it just so happens I’m a guide who knows where the Hall of Bones is’. How the hell did you know that was what Eric was talking about, ‘Hector’? Anyway, Eric asks how much this is going to cost them, and Hector tells him their company will be the payment and… are we talking ‘company’ or company, Hector?

You keep away from these kids, you pantless weirdo.

Obviously, though, the gang goes along with him. Hector leads them out of the relatively lush flower field and through a gigantic ass canyon, running along like a fairy on crack while the kids start to lag behind in exhaustion. Then he drags them up another mountain. Eric complains and despairs of Hector. Uni almost concusses Eric with some rocks as she climbs, because Eric’s reasonable degree of suspicion regarding other people is always just cause for karmic retribution. Hector giggles like a maniac and jumps some boulders and finally, Eric decides he’s had enough. Hector is clearly giving them the run around and they’re going to tell him to shove off.

Surprisingly, everyone else agrees. I guess it’s a testament to how obnoxious it is to chase a giggling pantless weirdo across miles and miles of inhospitable terrain.

But hey, it turns out, they’re right there! The mountain pass opens up into a long, winding, unstable-looking path that leads to a giant skull-shaped structure in the distance. Bobby thinks it looks cool. Eric thinks they should pretend they never found it. Hector’s all ‘c’mon, quickly!’ and I want to kill him. The other kids follow him into the skull-shaped structure, but Eric and Presto linger for a moment on the threshold.

Eric: “This place gives me the creeps.”

Presto: “Every place in this world gives you the creeps.”

Well, to be fair, Presto, so far every place in this world has tried to kill you in some fashion or another. You’ve pretty much been running for your lives since you got here. I think a little resentment is in order.

Hector directs the children towards the Skull of Power, and how the hell did he know that’s what they were after? They didn’t tell him about their weapons. Hector hurries them along, and Eric’s like ‘he’s in an even bigger rush to get out of here than we are’. The Skull of Power turns out to be a gigantic floating skull surrounded by glowing blue light. Hector tells them that it’s basically powered by the dead. The kids approach, and the skull opens its mouth for them to put their weapons inside.

Uh.

Y’know.

It might just be personal prejudices talking, but in my experience a gigantic haunted skull just doesn’t scream ‘light side of the Force’ to me. I mean, if the skull is powered by dead people, and that power can recharge the kids’ weapons, doesn’t that mean their weapons are basically necromancy? Not that I’m going to criticize the kids for not dwelling on that too much, because those weapons are basically the only thing stopping them from getting brutally murdered most days, but still. Hector grins like a total creep show as the kids pile their weapons into the skull and then pull them out, totally revitalized! They test them out. Hank makes an arrow, Sheila turns invisible, Diana extends her pole, Eric… kind of waves his shield, because its power is hard to demonstrate when no one is actively trying to kill him. Bobby goes to smash his club into the floor but Uni, luckily, stops him.

Yeah, I’m gonna give Uni another point for stopping Bobby from accidentally killing them all.

Presto pulls some carrots out of his hat and is all ‘yay, it worked!’ and Uni eats the carrots.

Then suddenly, Hector ups his creep factor.

Hector: “And now, my payment for bringing you all here!”

Hector suddenly glows red and starts to grow gigantic. Wow. Screw you, jerk, your payment was the delightful pleasure of their company. Oh, no, wait, Hector stops growing gigantic and instead morphs into Venger. Thank god. I was worried they’d have to fight a humungous pantless dude. Although, ha ha, Venger was giggling and skipping and wearing no pants! Man, his costumes are hilarious. They kind of drop the disguise act with him later on in the show and I’m a little sad about that, to be honest.

Anyway, Venger’s all ‘rawr, give me your weapons!’ and the kids scatter as he shoots some lasers around. Why he didn’t just transform before they recharged their weapons, dispatch them, and then recharge them himself, I can’t say. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume there was some magic-based rule preventing that from working. Venger tries to zap Hank and instead accidentally zaps the Power Skull. Hank looks at it and is all ‘wait, DM said to go into the light! The skull is light!’ and tells everyone to run into the skull.

That seems like a terrible idea to me.

But what the hell, Hank’s been doing pretty good this episode. Sure. Let’s all run into the Necromancy Fountain.

Eric: “This is awful.”

Yes it is, Eric. Yes it is.

But Venger’s all ‘no!’ and the skull starts putting out a light show and, I kid you not, summoning the spirits of the dead. One of the ghosts tells the kids to scram and then the skull basically swallows them, before the ghost army throws down with Venger.

Uh.

Well, the kids magically materialize on the path outside of the Hall of Bones.

Eric: “Are we home?”

Oh, Eric. Of course you’re not home. DM doesn’t have any intention of letting you go home yet. The Hall of Bones starts shooting lights and the walkway starts to collapse, so the kids book it. For the umpteenth time, they narrowly avoid being crushed by rocks or falling to their deaths. Diana brings up the rear and has to vault her way dramatically over the final stretch and then get caught by Hank and Sheila, but they make it! Inside the hall, Venger figures that his only chance of beating the ghosts is to destroy the whole place, which is what he does. The kids watch as it comes apart. Sheila notes that it’s a good thing they got their weapons recharged.

Yeah, no duh. Except now what’s going to happen when they need to be recharged again? How often do those things run out of juice?

Bobby: “The charge only lasts for three hundred years!”

How the hell do you know that, Bobby? Do… voices tell you things while you sleep? Oh my god! Does Uni tell you things while you sleep?!

Eric thinks three hundred years is plenty to see them through, but given how weirdly time works in the realm, I’m not so sure. Presto wonders if maybe the collapsing hall and all of the ghosts have done in Venger, but then a gigantic projection of Venger appears and disappears with a crack of lightning, and we see the ghosts… um… ascending to the afterlife, it looks like. So I guess Venger freed them from their eternal imprisonment in the Hall of Bones?

Wow. Once again, Venger fumbles the ball on this whole ‘villain’ deal.

Bobby wonders where Venger recharges his batteries. That is a good question, Bobby. Way to think tactically. Eric just wants to leave, and knowing he has a shield powered by ghostly energies strapped to his arm, I blame him even less than usual. We pan over to see Dungeon Master spying on them.

Dungeon Master: “When the time is right, Young Ones, you’ll find the way.”

Provided they don’t die in the meanwhile, hey? Ha ha ha. What a lovable old necromancer.

Points So Far:

Eric – 10

Sheila – 6

Diana – 8

Hank – 5

Presto – 4

Bobby – 2

Uni – 1