In the Old West, cows were walking money, and stealing
cattle was a pretty serious crime. Especially to the Cartwrights during season
one, when they’re disturbingly gritty and confrontational. Episode two opens
with Adam bringing Ben, Hoss and Little Joe to hide in the bushes to watch as a
mysterious rustler steals three of their steer.
“So that’s what’s
been happening to our cattle!” Ben grumbles instead of stopping the thief. His
sons all nod angrily, also instead of stopping the thief.
We discover that the thieves are the neighbouring Paiute,
after the mysterious rustler returns to a small camp to rendezvous with Chief
Winnemucca. Once the mastermind is revealed, the Cartwrights emerge from a
nearby hiding place brandishing fire arms. Ben demands the return of their cattle,
and the mysterious rustler angrily tempts fate by shouting: “Shoot, Ben
Cartwright! Shoot!” And we go to the title sequence.
Chief Winnemucca explains that they’ve only been stealing
cattle because all of the deer and antelope on Sun Mountain have been killed by
miners and there is no meat to feed his people. Children are starving, so Tukwa
stole the cattle. Ben looks mortified and says: “What say you, Winnemucca? The Washoe
antelope herds have fed the Paiute since the Long Ago Green Time!”
Ugh. Just speak normally, Ben, you’re so embarrassing.
Hoss is upset about all of this. He’s never liked the idea
of starving children, and he wants to know why Tukwa didn’t ask the Cartwrights
for help instead of stealing. Hoss would have given the Paiute beef for their
children. He seems kind of offended that anybody would think he’d say no to
that.
Chief Winnemucca replies that men do not beg for charity. Apparently, all of his braves have been
calling Winnemucca a big lame behind his back, and they think he doesn’t know
they been saying it, but he totally knows. Winnemucca declares that he is no lame,
and even though the Paiutes are a peaceful people, it doesn’t mean they can’t
make war.
Ben says: “War brings nothing but wailing in tents and
lodges, Winnemucca. For the Paiute and
the white man. You and I understand these things.”
(Ben. You need to stop.)
But all the young men of Winnemucca’s tribe have voted to go
to war over the antelope, so that’s that. His people have always been where the
antelope are, and if white men are killing all of the antelope, it’s only a
matter of time before they kill all the Paiute. Ben asks for time to speak with
the miners (“men who dig in the ground” he calls them) and settle this whole
thing without bloodshed. How, Ben? By reviving the dead antelope with your
magical elixir? Or by using a time machine to undo the depletion of a vital
food source?
Ben vows to prevent all future killing of antelope, and Adam
officially gifts Tukwa the cows he was stealing. When the Paiutes leave, Ben
treats us all to a lecture on the ecosystem and the importance of prey animals.
Because he didn’t think enough people wanted to punch him in the face today.
The Cartwrights ride into Virginia City and Little Joe
immediately starts flirting with women on the sidewalk. Hoss says he liked
Virginia City better when it was just a coach stop and a post office. Ben tells
them to go play and keep out of the way while he and Adam sort out this
antelope crisis.
Over in the campsites the miners have set up, a young family
is standing around an open fire where the woman is cooking (antelope?) meat in
a skillet. They look ragged and honest, and the wife laments that they don’t
have more food to go around. Her two young sons try to make the best of things
by acting excited to try her new seasoning method. Oh boy, cumin! We didn’t
have that back in Kansas! Almost makes practically starving worth it!
Adam and Ben go over to the poor-but-noble mining family, where
Ben nods at the skillet and says: “Ain’t much of a meal for growing boys, is
it?” (He’s trying to steal the Most Oblivious Cartwright title from Little Joe
this week.)
The miner gets all up in Ben’s face and says he’d rather be poor
than an inconsiderate jerk like Ben, and obviously he wishes he could do more
for his family, so why doesn’t Ben just go to hell? Ben says he has no idea how
he offended the man, and asks why he doesn’t feed his children beef.
“Why don’t I just sprout wings and fly?!” The miner waves
his hands around sarcastically. It’s awesome. Ben’s so rich and out-of-touch, it’s
good for him to get yelled at by people who live in reality instead of
Ponderosa Magic Land. He’s kind of like Oprah that way.
Adam is amused by the miner’s outburst and shakes his hand.
He explains that he is a cattle rancher, as is his father, and they’re trying
to figure out how come beef sales are relatively stable if there’s this sudden
need for antelope meat. The miner tells him that if antelope costs ten dollars
per pound in Virginia City, he’s afraid to find out how much beef would cost
him.
For historical context, this man just said he paid about three
hundred dollars for the contents of the skillet.
Ben tells the miner, Harris, that he will sell him an entire steer for twenty dollars, and
emphasizes that he’s not being generous. This is the standard price of beef.
So, just to help everybody with their butcher math: ten dollars for one pound
of crummy antelope, or fifty cents per pound of a big huge steer. Harris hoots
and hollers and takes off his hat and dances around, as is the formal custom of
a prospector who has experienced good fortune.
Over in downtown Virginia City, a hooker hits on Little Joe,
and he thinks she’s interested in his personality. Unfortunately, Hoss saves
him right away and redirects him to the hubbub at the antelope-selling store,
because we can’t have any fun at all, we have to deal with this stupid
meat-price plotline. Upon seeing the sign that says Antelope $10 per lb (in case we didn’t get all of this information
from the last scene about all of this information), Joe decides to investigate,
but he can’t quite push through the crowd and into the store. Lucky for
everybody, Hoss is gigantic and the actual best, so he just goes through like a
battering ram that says: “Excuse me, pardon me, comin’ right through!” and gets
us right to the head of the line.
There’s such a desperate commotion, the butcher announces
that it’s now fifteen dollars a pound as he brings out an antelope carcass and
pushes away fists clutching wads of cash. Little Joe says that all of these dumb
miners are crazy, and the sleazy store owner steps out in his suspicious
pinstriped suit – never trust a classic Western character in pinstripes – and
asks Little Joe why he would say that. Joe asks the guy if he thinks it’s cool
for people to pay so much for not-quite-venison, and the guy says he thinks
it’s super cool. He’s the one selling
the antelope.
In fact, he says, thousands of people are on their way to
Virginia City to try and strike it rich by finding more silver. And they’ll be
hungry! Which is where his plan to kill all of the antelope without replacing
them comes in! See, first he kills all of the antelope and sells the meat for a
stupidly high price, and then, once all the antelope are gone… he’ll be left
with nothing? I don’t know, his speech about how smart he is gets interrupted
by Ben and Adam who have come to shout at him.
They all go into the evil meat baron’s office to argue about
meat, and it’s pretty tedious. The only thing that remotely matters is that we
meet our villain, and when Adam tells him that killing antelope risks war, he’s
all: “I’m from San Francisco, and in San Francisco we don’t believe in cause
and effect. Good day to you, gentlemen.”
Little Joe asks why Ben doesn’t just sell the evil meat
baron Ponderosa beef, in front of the evil meat baron, and Ben is like:
“Because he will buy it from us at reasonable market prices and then sell it to
the miners at thirty dollars a pound, Dumbest Son.”
“Yes, I will!” The evil meat baron cackles, “That is what I
do for a living!”
The butcher from earlier comes in to announce he just sold
their last side of antelope, which means the fun is over and now they have to
go back to San Francisco.
The evil meat baron and the Cartwrights talk about meat some
more.
Joe thinks it’s cool to sell to unethical people as long as
your end of the business is ethical; what a person does with your product is
outside of your control. Hoss disagrees because he believes in building a brand
and targeting consumers that respect that brand. Ben-loves-nature-Mufasa-speech.
No deals with evil people.
Then an actual event takes place! The butcher is offended by
the Cartwrights and attacks Adam with a cleaver! Adam karate chops the butcher
in the neck, sending the cleaver clattering to the floor, and the butcher draws
a gun. But the evil meat baron steps in and calms the butcher down before
there’s any kind of shoot-out. Thank god everyone’s come to their senses so
that we can spend another fifteen minutes of this damn episode talking about meat.
Just as the Cartwrights are getting ready to leave town, they
run into the miner and his sons from earlier. He’s still in good spirits about
meat prices, because oh my god nobody is thinking about anything but stupid
meat and I hate it so much. The butcher and the evil meat baron overhear Harris
asking Ben about picking up the cattle in the morning, and they decide to stop
that beef from ever reaching Virginia City.
But the day is winding down, and even evil meat barons are
just regular barons when they take their work hats off. He heads over to the
saloon where he catches the eye of that hooker who admired Little Joe’s inner
beauty. She asks the EMB to buy her a drink, and he wonders if there are any
rules about ladies being in saloons. Okay. This woman is obviously a
prostitute. She’s wearing a hot pink corset and has about six ostrich feathers
in her hair. Anybody from anywhere in the West (but especially San Francisco,
which at that time was famous for its awesome brothels) would know that she was
an employee of the saloon. And he’s not being all cutesy-fake-gentlemanly to
tease her, he’s pleasantly surprised to learn she’s allowed inside.
They get comfortable at a corner table, and we learn that the
woman’s name is Glory Delacie (which was totally on her birth certificate), as her
date tries to impress her with his knowledge of classy San Francisco
restaurants. This may be the first time the evil meat baron has met a woman. We
also learn his name is Burdette, and that Glory is from California as well.
They do that thing where they exchange two sentences and
fall in love. Glory is hoping to stop chasing wealth and find something real in Virginia City. Burdette
confesses that he could have never really made any money in California because
he wasn’t smart enough. That’s not really a surprise. (Step One: Kill all the Antelope.
Step Two: Sell the Antelope Meat. Step Three: Wing it!) He asks Glory to go
steady with him, because he’s a romantic. Glory agrees provided he takes care
of all her financial needs. It’s like Pretty
Woman, if Pretty Woman was a dull
period piece.
The next morning, Harris is picking his cattle up at the
Ponderosa, when Tukwa urgently rides up to the ranch. He says that there are
more people coming into town, which bodes ominously for the diminishing
antelope. Harris replies with some stereotypical prospector stuff about luck
and striking it rich, then leaves with his cattle. Ben tells everyone to watch
the herd closely, because desperate newcomers might also be cow thieves.
Meanwhile, the butcher has hired some extra guys and dressed
them and himself up like Paiutes. They ambush Harris and his friends,
intentionally leaving a survivor to spread the story. Obviously, the survivor
is Harris – the only guy who’s already had dialogue so far, and is also the
poor-but-honest father of two young boys. The cattle scatter. The butcher rides
off with his accomplices.
Back in his office, Burdette is furious about the loss of
life. Being an evil meat baron is one thing, but he cannot condone the murder
of non-antelope. The butcher points out that he’s a butcher in all departments,
and that Burdette was being pretty naïve if he thought there was a way to do
all of this without murdering at least
four people. And there might still be more murder, if it comes to it. Because,
it turns out, Burdette and the butcher don’t really hail from San Francisco,
they just hung out there for a little while after the butcher killed a guard in
order to break them out of a prison in St. Louis. Which kind of explains why
Burdette didn’t know much about saloon girls.
The butcher heads over to where his accomplices from earlier
are playing cards. He tells them that now they’re going to take “revenge” on
the Paiute for killing miners, because he wants to start a war for some reason?
Meat prices will go down, you idiot butcher! People will just leave Virginia
City if food is ridiculously expensive and there’s a war all the time!
They ride out and gun down Tukwa while he’s working in the
fields. Winnemucca comes to get Tukwa’s body and discuss how impending the impending
war now is. Little Joe wonders why anybody would murder Tukwa, and Ben explains
it was probably vengeance for killing those miners. Detective Hoss points out
that anybody with a brain would know that the Paiute were set up for killing
those miners, because the miners were shot with bullets and the Paiute only use
arrows. Ben says it’s too late to tell anybody that, since Tukwa is already
dead. Don’t listen to him, Hoss! Go tell the sheriff your awesome clues and
prevent more killings!
Winnemucca warns everybody that it’s going to be an uphill
battle to prevent war, and he might be able to calm his people for a little
while, but things are about to get serious. The Paiute leave, tension hanging
in the air behind them.
Adam says that Burdette had Tukwa killed and it’s time to go
deal with him, once and for all. Little Joe objects, since everybody just told
him that the miners killed Tukwa, and
Burdette is an evil meat baron. That’s a different occupation! Of course Adam
doesn’t like Burdette, but that’s no reason to go around accusing the man of
murder! Adam calmly explains the concept of disguises and framing other people,
and Little Joe calmly explains the concept of a fair trial and evidence. Ben
sides with Little Joe, and tells Adam that they can’t just ride into town and
lynch a guy without proof. Adam says that they’ve got plenty of proof: Burdette
is a giant pain in the butt and the only person who could possibly benefit from
killing those miners and Tukwa. Case closed.
Little Joe says he wants actual proof, not an opinion. So
he’s going to go into Virginia City to snoop around, all subtle-like. Terrible
plan. Everybody in Virginia City knows who Little Joe is. He’s the dumb schmuck
who got half of Chinatown burned down last episode. Ben thinks this is a good
idea, and off Joe goes while Hoss watches him ride away and muses: “How could
anybody shoot down an innocent man just for a few dollars?”
“Not just a few dollars,” Adam replies, “a bonanza.”
Oh, Adam. You’ve been so quiet during this stupid episode
and when you finally get to talking you title-drop? For shame.
Over in Virginia City, the butcher is leaning against
buildings and trying to flirt with respectable women who don’t want to make eye
contact with him. He notices Little Joe riding into town and reports to Burdette,
who notes that Little Joe is taking a mighty big chance by riding into town by
himself – especially since it’ll soon be common knowledge that the Cartwrights
are siding with the Paiutes regarding antelope wars. Burdette orders the
butcher to beat up Little Joe but not kill him, because Burdette wishes to be
friends with Joe.
You’re making friends the hard way if your plan includes
hiring goons to beat them up.
Little Joe parks his horse right by Burdette’s office, which
is a great way to avoid Burdette knowing that you’re around town asking
questions, and the butcher walks right over to Joe and calls him a “muttering
little skunk.”
Naturally, Little Joe goes straight for the guy’s face.
Wham! It’s a pretty great punch, and Joe just keeps wailing on the butcher, who
is almost as big as Hoss, without any conversation or hesitation. He really,
really doesn’t like being called a skunk. The butcher starts punching back, and
soon a crowd has formed to watch the free entertainment. Unsurprisingly, the
giant ex-con is a little meaner than the prettiest Cartwright, and Joe is soon
rolling around in the dirt while his face bleeds.
The butcher tells the crowd that Little Joe is a friend to
the Paiutes, and some old prospector is like: “Paiutes?! Somebody get a hangin’
rope!”
Glory makes her way out of the saloon to speak on Little
Joe’s behalf, since Joe is like nineteen years old and super green and hasn’t
actually done anything to merit being hanged. Burdette hears the commotion and
comes out to help stop the mob. When he asks what it’s all about, the same
crazy prospector says that they’re gonna hang themselves “an Injun lover!”
Virginia City is full of such charming people.
Anyway, Burdette stops the hanging using the power of
reasoning, and then fires the butcher because things went too far.
Dude, you can’t just fire people like that butcher! You’re
going to get shot in the back when you’re coming out of the saloon! You’re
going to get beaten to death in a dark alley! Your stupid antelope store is
going to get accidentally blown up in a totally reasonable dynamite explosion!
You are on a Western!
Glory and Burdette take Little Joe into Antelope Meat
Incorporated’s head office and Glory starts mopping the blood off of his face.
Little Joe wants to know why everybody was trying to hang him, and Burdette
says it’s because two groups of miners have been killed by Paiutes and Harris, the
only survivor, says he recognized Tukwa in the group. Little Joe jumps to his
feet and calls Burdette a liar, because it’s been fifteen minutes since his
last physical confrontation and he’s spoiling for a new fight. He declares that
Tukwa was innocent, and Burdette angrily tells Joe to drop the subject.
Glory watches the conversation and figures out that Burdette
is arranging all of the recent killings. So, this episode has a character who
can have instant epiphanies regarding the plotline, but everybody in the
audience needs all of it explained to them five hundred times?
Joe decides to leave and offers to buy Glory a drink
sometime. She sort of waves him off and stares angrily at Burdette for a
minute. Once they’re alone, Burdette says that Glory isn’t allowed to see Joe
in a professional capacity, since their arrangement is some kind of paid
monogamy. He is a weird guy. He refers to himself as Glory’s customer and then expects
her to act like his wife. Then he smacks her in the face for being sarcastic.
She says she’s glad to have the excuse to break up with him.
He asks what’s bothering her. (Other than being hit in the
face, I guess.) She tells him she doesn’t like the idea of being with a man who
orders massacres. Glory’s alright, you know? Burdette tries to convince her
that it really was the Paiutes, but
she doesn’t buy it.
Time for our very first official Dining Room Scene! These
scenes became notorious for both fans of the show and the actors who played the
Cartwrights, because they’re usually just everybody sitting around the table
dumping exposition. Still, you get to admire Adam’s taste in coffee cups and
laugh at the cartoonish platefuls of food that are always in front of Hoss.
Little Joe slinks in while everyone’s having dinner, and Ben
says that he was starting to worry and Joe should sit down, eat, and report on
his sneaky intelligence mission. Little Joe sheepishly displays his black-eye
and cut lips. Hoss is all: “Was your face jacked up when you left, or is this
recent?” Joe repeats the entirety of the last few scenes, in case we didn’t
watch them because we left for snacks thinking it was going to be more meat
talk.
Adam gets angry and declares he’s going to go beat the snot
out of Burdette and nobody’s going to stop him this time. Ben and Hoss decide
that they’re going with him, and Joe sadly puts his jacket and hat back on.
Little Joe, stay home. Eat food and take a nap. I guarantee you, you will only
get punched more if you go back into town.
Back at evil meat headquarters, Burdette is angry at the
butcher for avoiding the office. So, I guess, he only pretended to fire him?
Anyway, the butcher taunts Burdette about his woman troubles and his general
incompetence. He says that Glory has gone to the Harris place to try and find
out the truth! Dramatic commercial break!
Over in the temporary mining housing, Harris’s two boys are
digging for gold in the front yard, and Glory plays along. I’m starting to
really hope she lives through all of this, because she’s an active character
who never talks about meat and that makes her my favourite. Mrs. Harris comes
out and is surprised to find the town’s most notorious prostitute hanging out
with her kids. She’s even more surprised when Glory asks to talk to Mr. Harris,
because Mrs. Harris doesn’t really know Glory and Glory doesn’t make an
accurate first impression.
Still, out in the hard parts of the West, ladies got to
stick together. Mrs. Harris lets Glory inside, where Mr. Harris is dazed and
staring at the ceiling, Mrs. Harris explains that Mr. Harris doesn’t really
talk anymore. Glory asks Harris if he saw Tukwa, and Harris says he doesn’t
even know who Tukwa is. Glory thanks everybody and very politely leaves,
teasing the boys about their gold hunt on her way out.
But, in a very Snidely Whiplash move, the butcher grabs her
and takes her to Burdette and a couple of horses while the little boys watch
and don’t do anything. Children are useless.
Glory bites the butcher (not a euphemism) and he smacks her
in the face, prompting Burdette to demand that he never hit Glory again! He
thinks it’s the most despicable thing ever, even though he himself hit Glory
and that’s part of why she left him. I guess only Burdette may hit Burdette’s
women, which is more than a little messed up. Finally, the Harris boys get
their mother just in time for Mrs. Harris to see Burdette and the butcher ride
off with the obviously kidnapped Glory, but too late for her to do anything
about it. Timing is for grown-ups, kids. Don’t worry about it.
The Cartwrights arrive in Virginia City, and I swear to you
this episode is all arguments about meat punctuated by sudden bursts of
sub-plot and scenes of people riding in and out of the three major locations.
The saddest part is that it was written by Gene L. Coon, who was usually pretty
good.
Mrs. Harris tells the Cartwrights that the butcher – turns
out his name has been Thorne this whole time – just violently kidnapped Glory.
Ben tells her to calm down and explain, which is hilarious because Mrs. Harris
is upset, but totally rational and doing a pretty good job of explaining. Mrs.
Harris says that the butcher was with Burdette, and that they’d beat up on
Glory and ridden down the road out of town.
Hoss is enraged by this development. None of the Cartwrights
are apathetic about violence against women, but Hoss is also very much against
unfair fights, so two big men attacking one little saloon girl makes him Hulk
right out.
They follow Glory and her kidnappers into the hills, heading
towards Devil’s Gate, which is the place where villains hide bodies and perform
executions. Up ahead of them, Burdette and Butcher Thorne are trying to locate
a shack that Thorne’s heard about. Glory questions everybody’s masculinity and
gets in some pretty good burns about how craptastic both of them are at business
endeavours and murdering saloon girls.
And, dear god, Ben’s plan is to catch up with the brigands
and have Little Joe and Adam head them off
at the pass.
Ben and Hoss will catch up from behind in a kind of lameoid
pincer maneuver. We learn that Thorne is planning to leave Glory in the desert
without water, because he likes slow methods of death that his victims can
escape. Burdette is horrified, because even though they brought Glory out to
Murder Flats, he didn’t think they were going to kill her.
A bullet hits the rock just behind Thorne, and I’m wondering
which of the Cartwrights fired it. Adam is an insanely good shot, Joe doesn’t
fire unless he knows that he can hit his target, and Hoss rarely shoots since
he’s better with charging right at guys and knocking them unconscious. It’s not
the kind of show where the hero’s bullets miss things, is what I’m saying.
Turns out it was Little Joe, ruining things again. We’ll let
him have this since one of his eyes is swollen and he hasn’t eaten anything all
day, but he needs to get it together if he’s going to be on this show for the
next seventeen years.
A shoot-out begins, and Glory hides with Thorne and Burdette
behind a rock. A lot of bullets hit a lot of rocks, and then Thorne realizes
he’s out of ammo. Glory chooses this moment to try and escape, for reasons she
doesn’t have to explain to you.
Burdette chases her down and Thorne yells at him to shoot
her, but he just takes Glory behind some other rocks and tells her that he’ll
always love her for being able to recognize that he was an idiot. “You saw what
a fake I was from the start.”
Yeah. So did everybody else except Little Joe. That’s about
as big an accomplishment as tricking the dog into thinking you threw the tennis
ball when it’s still in your hand.
Glory is gentle and overly kind, not knowing if she’s about
to die, and Burdette stands up in order to let her go and turn himself over to
the Cartwrights. Thorne, who has reloaded his gun, realizes what’s about to
happen and calls Burdette a “fancy pants coward” before shooting him in the
back. Burdette is still alive but badly wounded as Thorne grabs Glory in order
to use her as a human shield and escape the unusually terrible aim of Adam and
Little Joe.
But there’s one thing Thorne didn’t count on: Hoss!
Hoss sneaks up the rocks behind Thorne and drops down on him
like an angry snorlax! Glory runs back to Burdette, while Hoss punches Thorne
in the back of the head and then starts to strangle him. Never piss off Hoss. Thorne frantically reaches around, struggling
for his life, and manages to grab a rock. He hits Hoss in the face with it and
frees himself.
Burdette uses the last of his strength to shoot Thorne dead.
After making sure Hoss is alright, Adam goes to check on
Glory and Burdette. Burdette is dead, and Glory has a tired, far-away look in
her eyes.
“He came here to get rich,” Adam says, “to strike a bonanza.
And now he’s dead.”
That’s twice, Adam. Twice.
Then Glory says: “He found his bonanza, right before he
died, which is better than never finding it at all.”
Remember that forever. The real treasure is love, not money
or antelope meat.
The episode ends with everyone riding home while Ben gives
us a voice over about how every town has an evil meat baron, lured by one kind
of bonanza or another, and in the last five minutes we have said the word
“bonanza” four times.
I, for one, am glad to be rid of Burdette because he spent a
full half hour in total doing nothing but talking about the stupidest scam in
the history of Westerns.
High Point:
Hoss’s drop attack. Also, I’m probably going to call everyone I don’t like a
fancy pants coward from now on.
Low Point: I want to say the long conversations about meat pricing, but also Ben’s attempts to communicate with
Winnemucca. It was like when you bring your dad to Best Buy.
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